The Greater Good

I titled this post, “Greater Good” because I ate at Greater Good BBQ today. I love BBQ ribs.

But as I wrote the title, it hit me. God is really doing a “greater good” in me. All of this has been working for my good. Days like today are more challenging. I spent most of the day in the hospital and doctors’ offices getting labs, tests, and having meetings about my upcoming treatment at Winship Cancer Institute of Emory University.

There was a lot of information coming at me. A lot of details about medicines and medical trials, and plans of treatment. My fight every day, but especially on days like today, is not to get caught up in all the information the doctors need to tell me. I can hear the information, but my mental battle is to keep looking at God and to keep trusting him. It can be easy to start to feel things (worry about what chemo is going to be like or how it will affect me), or what trial will have the best results in my situation, or even the things in my own mind that would want to put limits around time.

These are the days that I fight like hell to keep looking up. To trust what God is doing with me and in me. To hold on to the truth that God is in control and He has purposed me to go through this circumstance to get to know Him better and to share that with others.

The ribs were good. The conversation at lunch was better. Laura and my friend Shawn reminded me about how I have always believed that God is a God of miracles. That, for as long as I can remember, there has been a stubbornness and fight in me to believe that God is exactly who He says He is. There is a fight in me to believe that He is good. There is a fight in me to believe that He can do anything. Nothing is impossible with Him. Today, I am fighting to hold on to all of those things.

After we were done with all the appointments and blood draws and packets of information, I did what I love to do. I got together with a group of friends and I started to share about the things that God has been doing with me in this process. Honestly, talking about God has been the best medicine for me in this process. It is the thing that makes me feel the best and gives me the most energy. As we were talking tonight, we got inspired about starting a podcast so I can share my story. This is the best way for me to fight right now.

So look for a podcast series to come soon - Awake w/ JMak!

Getting Busy Living

Laura and I have an incredible support network. We are facing this uphill battle aggressively with faith! We are working with the best doctors in America. As many of you know, Laura is a Senior VP at the American Cancer Society. That has been an incredible resource of support.

The other day, my longtime mentor, pastor and friend told me that the only thing that I have to lose right now is my opportunity. I can tell you, I am NOT going to lose my opportunity to live each day to the fullest.

No one gets to choose their time, but we all have a choice on how we live it. I feel like I have been given the biggest gift—the gift to live a life that matters. Laura and I refuse to operate on timelines or statistics. We aren’t looking at those things. Whether I have 10 weeks, 10 months or 10 years (or more!), I am going to make the most of each day I have been given.

I made a commitment to God, to myself, to Laura, to my boys, to my parents and to everyone in my life to fight every day. To LIVE every day. To share the journey with you. I am committed to getting busy.

Cancer with a Capital C

This morning, I got my PICC line out after a 2-week course of antibiotics and wearing this shirt as a nod to Congressman John Lewis—one of my personal heroes.

I am experiencing a strange sort of high that is confounding even to me. I’m the guy who used to bug Laura about every ache and pain—thinking death was on my doorstep every time I had a headache! I was her worst patient!

All I’m saying is I have enough experience with myself to know that the peace I feel is divine and holy and true. It’s not contrived. It’s not some pithy, hollow saying.

I’m not trying to be strong. I’m not trying to be anything. I’ve been trying my whole life and for the first time, I feel completely free from that. You may not envy the position I’m in, but I gotta tell you, this freedom and peace is enviable.

Now I’m not saying there isn’t a battle. I feel the buzzkill wanting to come at my mind in a million different ways every day—especially in the mornings. Sometimes it is surreal and I feel like I’m about to wake up from a dream. And yet, I don’t want to.

What some would call a death sentence is bringing me LIFE. It’s delivered all the things I’ve ever wanted right to my doorstep with no striving on my part. A richer, deeper relationship with my family and friends. A peace and closeness with God that I’ve striven for my entire life. The opportunity to see miracles happen.

I don’t know if there’s a miracle that will save my physical life. It IS possible! With God ALL things are possible! But I’m experiencing a miracle each day in the ways I feel saved FROM my old way of doing life.

And let me be clear: I’m not surrendering to cancer. I’m just surrendering to the journey this diagnosis is taking me on. I know there are hard days ahead. I know there will be pain and struggles and trials. We ALL face trials. Mine just happens to be the one people whisper about. Cancer with a capital C.

But I don’t feel like whispering! I feel like shouting! I know that spirit is with me and that’s what I need more than anything.